The Old Sun Just Keeps On Rising

Editors note: I have often wondered what it is like to grow up as a young person these days. So much has changed since I was that age that I can't imagine what pressures people in their twenties and thirties endure now. Consider this economy, the technology, and the changing standards and mores over that past 40 years. Life was so much simpler then.

I received the following submission from one of my most loyal blog readers. It's a review of a decade in her life as she travels through her thirties. She reveals her own challenges, joys and sorrows, sometimes stated obviously and sometimes between the lines. There is much said in this to indicate to me that maybe the moral, technological changes haven't altered growing upp as I have imagined. We all have looked for ourselves through the decades. And I think each of us continues that quest throughout much of our lives.

A Decade of Reflections by Kris

December 31, 2009

It's the the end of a decade. And, as it’s New Year’s Eve as well, it’s fitting to review the year, as well as the last ten years. Oh my, how much my life has changed as I think back to the beginning of the last decade, which was the end of the previous one – December 31^st, 1999.

I was 28 years old and had just gotten out of the Army on December 2, after serving nearly 7 years of Active service, essentially ending my officer’s career that began at West Point, in 1989, which in fact, had been another 10 years earlier. As a quick review of the 1990s, my 20’s had been consumed primarily by Army operations, field exercises, and assignments in Georgia, North Carolina, California, Korea, and Egypt and the beginning of my first long-term relationship.

The decade also marked the receipt of one of the greatest gifts I have had in my life – my first dog, Murphy, a determined, anxiety-filled, but playful schnauzer, who was my most reliable and steadfast companion through most of the 90s and the 00s. In my career in the Army, I had been an ambitious officer, full of persistence and drive, while less in touch with the emotional side of things. I threw myself into succeeding and had done fairly well at that.

Back then, on December 31^st, 1999, I had really no clue what was in store for me in the next decade. It began with a short stint with Siemens manufacturing company in a little town outside of Raleigh, North Carolina. I started in customer service but quickly found myself being called to help on the manufacturing line, which had all for all intents and purposes completely stopped shipping switchgear and circuit breakers due to a huge information technology upgrade.

Soon after a new production manager took over, he hired me to be responsible for one of the largest lines in the plant. This is where, as a supervisor of 40 individuals, I began my transition from an officer, where I had relied mostly on issuing orders and the punitive effects of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, to supervising individuals who cared less about following commands and management who relied less on disciplinary measures. This was a significant shift for me, and I began to create a new view of myself as a leader, one that continues to grow even today.

After my two-year gig with Siemens and primarily due to the horrific events that occurred on September 11, 2001, the FBI started hiring, and in January, 2002, I began New Agent Training at the FBI Academy and officially started my career as a Special Agent, reporting to my first assignment in Los Angeles, CA. I remember receiving my orders during New Agents’ class - my heart literally dropped when I saw “Los Angeles” in bold font on the piece of paper, as I had been hoping to see “Washington DC.” In fact my Dad thought there had been a bad cell phone connection when I told him I was going to LA.

While it had been terribly upsetting to move my entire life from the East Coast to the West Coast and be so far away from family, make terms with the ending of my first long-term relationship that had lasted eight years, and finally start therapy to deal with a great deal of unattended emotions that had been left over after my Mom died in 1989, Los Angeles turned out to be a spiritual reawakening.

I learned meditation, yoga, and fell in love with a beautiful woman and the adventures of being in a wild, untamed California, all of which helped me to find the old philosopher my friends back in high school had known so well. We moved to Topanga, a magical and religious experience in itself, and I put in for and was awarded an assignment as the FBI Weapons of Mass Destruction Coordinator in LA, which ended up to be another blessing.

When I left LA in 2007, I had achieved some of my most proudest life moments, as I had directly impacted the welfare of the communities I had served and had received an LA County official scroll in a ceremony presided by the LA County Public Health Officer and one of the LA Board of Supervisors.

The 00s also marked me coming out to my entire family, including my grandfather (who received the news rather positively), bringing my girlfriend to my brother’s wedding in Richmond, Virginia and meeting my terrific new sister-in law Stacey, and, most notably, my father marrying Rita, who has become a second mom to me. With the marriage, I also inherited a new sister and brother, who I could not imagine loving any more than I do today. But this is not all – I got a promotion as a Supervisory Special Agent with an assignment to the FBI’s Bioterrorism Prevention Program at Headquarters in Washington DC. The new job has brought some amazing experiences – advancing and formulating national policy at the White House, debriefing the Amerithrax (2001 anthrax letters) investigators and developing lessons learned to improve biosecurity at US labs, and conducting bioterrorism response training throughout the world.

In the US, I have trained local responders in Washington DC, Florida, California, Indianapolis, and Texas. On the international front, I have conducted training in the United Kingdom, the Philippines, India, Paraguay, Sweden, Switzerland, and the United Arab Emirates. Additionally, I have traveled to and participated in international and bilateral meetings in Lyon, France and Berlin, Germany.

This decade ends quietly for me. I have dealt with some significant losses in the 00s: my second long-term relationship, a life-changing experience for me, ended after three years; I lost Tosca, an incredibly free-spirited cat during a road trip across the continent; Murphy died in October 2007, only three months after moving into my new home in Takoma Park, Maryland; and on Thanksgiving Day this year, an 11-month relationship with my most recent girlfriend ended.

Once being most proud of my drive to succeed, my life as a “thinker,” and my taking command and providing results to tough projects at work, now I am much more appreciative of my emotional side: I cry more easily, listen more deeply, and love more intensely. With these losses and with all of my life experiences that have led up to me welcoming this New Year of 2010 as a 38-year old woman, I know I have a great deal for which to be grateful. I have two awesome cats, Jasper and Tarzan, both of which are in good health.

I live in the amazingly liberal and community-oriented town of Takoma Park, Maryland, right across from Sligo Creek; the closest I can come to living in place that resembles Topanga. I have the most wonderful friends and family I could ever hope for and have recently become an aunt of cute, adorable, little baby Aubrey (good job Dave and Stacey!). My job is enormously rewarding as I am able to impact emergency response planning both within the United States and internationally, and this gives me a sense I am contributing to a larger life purpose. I am able to enjoy my favorite activities such as meditation, yoga, hiking, and running, on a regular basis.

And, I have traveled to some of the most incredible places in the world and experienced a variety of different cultures and sights while not paying a dime of my own money! With all that said, here’s to hoping 2010 brings good things to my family, friends, and to our planet and its sentient beings; and for me, I really have no clue what’s around the corner.

My First Flying Squirrel and Other Memories

I saw my first ever Flying Squirrel the other night. Not counting Rocky of The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle.

He was sitting atop a bird feeder on our deck a couple of nights ago and for some reason I glanced out and could see his shape on the feeder.

I went to fetch a flashlight and call Rita to bear witness. I shined the flashlight on the little critter, and he didn't budge. I thought it was a chipmunk--it was about the same size. But how on earth did he get atop the bird feeder and a deck two stories off the ground?

And yes, nature lovers,it was a flying squirrel. I googled them up and found quite a bit of information on little guys. They range almost all over the United States and parts of Canada. They are nocturnal, small, and have skin webs between their legs that when they are extended serve as sails. In pictures when airborne, they look like flying handkerchiefs. Apparently,they mostly glide rather than fly,

Which is all to say that when I reflect on the previous 62 years, it's amazing how many 'firsts" are burned indelibly in my mind. I suspect it is the same for you. Yes, we've all suffered on those awful unexpected firsts no one could ever want. But when it comes to "top of mind" things -- it's the happy firsts that really matter.

Yes, I am sure we can all recall there are many common firsts in the human experience. The first love, the first day you could drive a car, the first time you ... well, you know.

I'm writing about some of the many other firsts that when you start putting them together really define your life. I started to reflect on them and the more I pondered, the more I remembered clearly. These are the memories that matter and allow us to get through the tough times.

My first dear wife, Kay, died of a rare cancer at age 41, but not before she presented two fine children to me -- Kris and Dave. I remember the first time I saw Kay after she delivered each one more than I remember seeing them. I guess my first thought was for my wife, and then for the kids. So the first memory of each of them is their mom.

I have been divorced -- imprudence on my part, I suppose -- and a truly horrible experience. My first remembrance from that brief disaster was one of escape. The first time I saw the single apartment two-room apartment I would rent in Plainsboro, NJ, by myself I felt a sense of elation I can clearly recall. It was as if my life had been handed over to me again. Oh, I didn't straighten out my life from that point on. It wasn't all uphill and I sank a bit further before I could bounce back. It took a good woman -- Rita -- to help me do that.

My first remembrance of Rita was in a classroom at Prudential in Horsham, Pennsylvania. It was in 1995. I was teaching a securities class and she and another woman marched into my classroom -- this was a day I clearly recall. Rita and ?? were different than my average students in that they were Pru management to begin with and the others were new hires, mostly recent high school graduates.

Other life shaping first remembrances: walking up a "big" flight of steps to enter Kindergarten at the Bohamton School in Edison, NJ, in 1951. The school is still standing and there are only two steps leading up to the door.

I recall clearly my first day leaving home for Little Rock Air Force Base in January 1969. My mother crying and my father driving me to Newark Airport in kind of an awkward silence. We didn't communicate in the same way young folks communicate with parents now, I think. It was a cold bitter day, and when I arrived in Little Rock a few hours later, it was 80 degrees. I thought I had arrived in hell. Looking back, I think I left one family to join another there -- people in the Service look out for each other.

Other big firsts: seeing Phil for the first time in uniform (Valley Forge Military) and on parade in 2006. What a proud moment,and what a magnificent positive, academic turnaround Phil made there.

And shortly after joining Rita, Phil and Meredith as family in 2001, I clearly recall Meredith running away from home for the first -- and only -- time walking out with a brown bag of candy and chips and wearing a bathrobe. She was 12 years old She left a note that told us not to worry and don't be upset, but she was "sick of this shit!" She came back 2 hours latter. It got dark out.

When Dave graduated Penn State and took a job in D.C., I remember our first real goodbye. I packed a van load of stuff up with him to drive to his first solo apartment in Virginia. I was filled with pride and hopes for his future, also with great regret that his mother could not be there that day. I felt the same pride and regret for Kris as she graduated from West Point and I saw her march across that huge parade ground to the graduation ceremony. Her mother so wanted her to finish West Point.

The first time I met my dear daughter-in-law, Stacey, was in 2002. and I recall her charm. elegance and graciousness like a true Southern Belle Beauty Pageant Queen. I challenged her to do her runway Pageant walk, and she, with a great sense of humor, did just that. We all smiled.

Too many other firsts to write about., although I wold love to record each and every one of them thinking of them now on a beautiful Labor Day Weekend. I see how they have framed my life in a very positive way. Kind of like a huge quilt with different unique colorful squares woven together.

Maybe the flying squirrel won't be in that quilt when if is finally finished. But I am looking forward to putting many more squares into it before its complete.

Your comments are welcome, including any of the firsts you care to share!